fides

2006-03-08T19:13:00.000-08:00

STEP X – DOWN AND OUT

When I was in Tagaytay, my community coordinator encouraged me to study in the Divine Word School of Theology. One of the subjects that I enrolled there, is Catechetics. This course requires each student to submit a module (for religion class or for recollection/retreat) and demonstrate it inside the class. One month before the submission of that requirement, I made a lot of research together with prayers that God will help me to come out with a good paper and presentation. After all the preparation that I have made, I felt confident enough. Because I believe, God assists me in those efforts. For I thought that I’m doing that not because for my own benefits but for my future ministry.

In the day before my presentation, I asked my coordinator to excuse me in community acts. For I need to prepare my things and myself for the said presentation as well as, to insure that I may report it perfectly. So, I spent the whole day and night for preparation and rehearsing. The day of presentation comes. After explaining the objectives and flow of my module in the class, I begun to start my actual demonstration, then the unexpected trouble happened. The tape that I am about to play for my activity did not work. The sound could not be heard clearly. With that situation my tension begun to rule over me, I lost the order of my discussion. I could hardly remembered how I end it up. What was explicitly left in me is the feeling of shame. After it, I felt so humiliated even to the extent of thinking not to attend the class anymore. When I reach in our retreat house, I directly go inside my room. I felt so bad and angry, upon seeing to the picture of Christ in my wall. I confronted Him immediately saying, “why it is happened to me! I do everything! Besides, I never forgot to ask your assistance and you help me? But why? I can’t understand!”

Oftentimes, I am used that every effort that I gave result success and appreciation. And every success and joy that I received I recognize God is a real God, because his presence and assistance brought me, consolation, success, peace and happiness. And that humiliating experience, I seen that it was a failure on the side of God. I can’t reconcile it in my mind that God can afford to humiliate me.

Looking back with that experience I realized that it was a tiny experience of pruning of stems and leaves of my egocentric self. For me to grow in faith, that God’s liberating love entails openness. Acceptance that as a person we are limited. We need to humble ourselves before His eyes. We need to learn how to put all our trust in Him, in spite of the complexity of and obscurity of that faith. We need to learn how to yes inspite of the pain and difficulties that we may experience. We need to learn how to ponder things that we may not fully be comprehended. Lastly we need to learn ho how to” face our down-and-out-ness and be so be ready to receive the flow of the down and out loves.”

2006-03-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

STEP IX – CHRIST ENCOUNTER

One of my greatest fear before was, when the time comes that I will experience a crisis of going back to those lapses in ones life. The “back subjects” as they called it. Looking into the experience of our old sisters who undergone it, I feel alarm and worried that when I grow old I will undergo the same experience. So, from then on, I reflect what are my back subjects. The first things that transpired into my mind were that I was not able to experience how to be engaged with a man. This is the most common case in our old sisters, which I observed could really affect not only to the person concern, but also to the community and apostolate, because those hang-ups can easily be projected to others.

So, everytime I prayed I always cry out to God. “Lord please helps me how could I process this lapse. I don’t want that it to occur in me in the time where I can’t handle it anymore. Engrossed with this problem any possible way that I thought I directly ask it to Him. The first thing, which I ask him, was, “ Lord please give me or send me a man who will love me that I maybe able process and overcome those hang-ups that I have. Promise Lord, as I bargain it. I will never leave you, all I want is merely an experience. Months and years past, still no one comes, but instead of despair I rather it cried it aloud for Him.

After our final profession still this was the content of my prayers. I think God feels that I am so “makulit na” He grants me what I am asking for. One evening when I am looking for a priest to give confession for our retreatans, my friend recommends me his brother priest. Since I badly needed it, without any hesitation, even I felt ashamed; I took the number and texted the priest. When I met the priest I find him approachable and kind that makes me attracts to him. To make the story brief, we become friends. For a short period of time we develop the same feelings, which makes me forgot what I have promised to God. This person becomes the center of my attentions, until such times comes that because of commitments and responsibilities that we have we cannot find time to each other anymore. Thinking of the reality that, “kahit kailan ‘di kami pweding magsama”. I felt deeply hurt, which took a couple of weeks and months of bearing that pain inside my heart.

This state leads me to once again kneel down before God. Pouring out the pains and tears that I have in front of the crucifix inside our chapel, made me realized that in that very moment, I received the fullness of God’s response of what I am constantly begging to Him. I learned on that experience that the taste of joy and sweetness of falling in love is only a partial healing of the wounds that I wanted to be cured. The loneliness and pains that I have experience in that event, was become an opening avenue of understanding the connection between pain and healing.

2006-03-06T23:22:00.000-08:00

STEP VIII – THE EXPERIENCE OF SPIRIT

It is difficult to experience the Spirit if our mind is full of reasons. It is difficult to experience the Spirit if our hearts is full of desires. In order to receive the grace of God it requires a “full submission of intellect and will.” A perfect openness and cooperation to the action of the Holy Spirit who constantly brings completion to the “gift” that has been offered. (cf. DV 5; CFC 156).

Oftentimes, I experience the work of the Holy Spirit in those moments, where I can’t do anything and everything in me was in chaos. Everytime when I was trapped with my incapacity to understand things. One occasion, having a feeling of impatient to the constant fall of self-sufficient spirit, I find myself conversing with God. ‘Lord why is it that I keep on falling in the same pit? You know how much I strive to overcome this limitation, but why is not working?” I felt disappointed that leads me to become helpless and hopeless with myself. In that moment, my head and my heart were heavy. I felt tired that makes me fall asleep inside the Oratory. When I woke up, I feel good even though that my sitting position is not ideal for sleeping. I noticed that for a few minutes of slumber I feel that I am so rested. As I let myself savor the light and peace that I felt within, a message, which I did not expect, plush into my mind. It says, everything that you have has a purpose. The strengths and weaknesses that embodied you have a significant role to play.

Similarly, this experience of mine could relate with the reflection of Gallagher on this step (8) that says, “The sadness of life is that I have not lived faithful to those moments, but without them I might have been even more astray.” “It is not that I think about them often. It is rather that it would be a contradiction by such experience. I am convinced that most have similar experiences of spirit, which can also serve them as pointers to faith.”

I realized that, that short and simple event leads me to recognize the importance of experiencing the difficulties of overcoming weakness. For me to learn, how to be patience in bearing others limitations. How to be compassionate to those who are striving to change. How to be helpful to those who are struggling to free themselves (false self). How to be a sign of hope to those who are hopeless. Significantly, that experience convinces me that God never leaves me. His presence is always waiting to all the hearts that invite Him to enter.

2006-03-06T00:31:00.000-08:00

STEP VII –CALLS OF CONSCIENCE

Responding to the calls of our conscience is not always easy. In my nine years of religious life, gradually I found out that the time after time, day after day, and year after year of responding to it, requires deep commitment. Oftentimes, the tug of war between the invitation to respond to the call to love and the tendency remain selfish creates turmoil within. For, it is not without hardship to stand up for what we believe true against all the odds and the pressures that stretch out our resistance. It is not hard free to keep a smile on our face, when deep inside us, we feel dying for the sake of others. It is not easy to give up what is in our heart that we know is right. It is not easy to do something more than what is expected of us to do, to make other’s life a little more bearable, without uttering a single complain. It is not easy to help a friend in need, at our effort to do the best of our ability. It is not easy to hold our head up high, to be the best we know though we can be weakened when life’s seems to fall apart before us.

One of the greatest things that my mother taught me was her prayerfulness. Her deep trust in God influenced and nourished in me the innate seed of my longing to be connected with the transcendence. This was the only security, which I can call everytime troubles come into my life.

I could still remember when I was only three or four years old. I observed how my mother prayed every morning when she woke up. One morning I saw her sitting beside her bed. She simply sat and closed her eyes for a longer period of time. She usually prays from thirty minutes to one hour. From then on, everytime she woke up I also woke up and sat besides her. I think, even though that I can’t fully comprehend what is prayer on that moment, I could says that, that experience becomes a foundation that pulled me back everytime I am tempted to follow my own will.

I believe, prayer is the most basic important thing that can help us grows in our commitment to listen and follow the voice within us. Even though sometimes, we find it boring and waste of time in repeating the same prayers, psalms, readings, etc., staying inside the chapel/oratory and waiting for nothing. But I think, that “repetition” and “nothing” were the Sprit/Grace of God works within us, even though our human understanding could not fully grasped it, we cannot deny the fact that it is truly working. And I suppose, in that act that we are most called too, for us, to be able to commit ourselves to collaborate to the one whom we admire most.

STEP VI –THE WONDERING MIND

2006-02-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

STEP VI –THE WONDERING MIND

“If something began to exist at some time, then there must have been a cause for its existence. If something shows evidence of being planned in some way, then there must have been someone to shape that plan.

After reading this step (step six), I don’t know where to start my reflection. As I keep on re-reading it, the statement above called my attention. “If something began to exist at some time then there must have been a cause for its existence”. So, therefore, the “I don’t know” has a root cause since it exist? Why I don’t know? Then my mind began to wonder. Maybe I was not able to grasp the message of this step, for I read it hurriedly. Maybe, I read it for the sake of reading it for it is a requirement. Maybe, I don’t want to think deeply and reflect what this step is leading to, to ponder with, for I don’t want to face the reality of myself. All of it seems to be true because I could feel that I could relate of what I am encoding.

Oftentimes, I heard comments from our older sisters that says “ you know, todays’ generation wanted to get something or finished their work in an instant and easy way. They don’t want to experience suffering. They don’t value the process of experiencing the difficulty of achieving things that could nourish the virtues of endurance and patience. That’s why, when trial comes into their life they would simply give up.” Hearing this comments, my immediate reactions are: why is there a need for us to go through the difficult way, when we could done it in an easier avenue? Why do we spend a lot of time, if we could finished it in a short period? Why do we need to suffer, if we could avoid it?

Looking back at all the events that happened into my life, I realized, what taught me most to persevere and stand everytime I fall, are those difficult moments that made me suffer. Along the process of difficulties and sufferings, gradually I learned to deepen my belief and to become hopeful. I was able to discover myself, my giftedness, as well as limitations.

I suppose, the 40 years journey of Moses and the Israelite people in the desert, the difficulties and suffering they encountered along their travel, taught them perseverance and patience. With that they were able to reach and enter the promise land that Yahweh prepared for them.

“If something shows evidence of being planned in some way, then there must have been someone to shape that plan” Sometimes, our incapacity to comprehend has a significant purpose why God allowed it to exist. This could look like a little hole, but if we try to enter and explore it, it will lead us to dicosver the mystery of the things around us and the mystery of our very own selves. The mystery that will guide us into the path of conversion and be able to grow us a person.

STEP 5

2006-02-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

STEP V –THE HEART’S HUNGER

To describe my nine months stay in Cagayan, I could say that it was a great challenge. The trust and opportunity that has been given by my congregation tested my faithfulness. The occasion to be free and to decide things on my own tempted me to live comfortably and enjoy it. My issues of indifference and to be at home in staying to my comfort zone was triggered. This state of mine for how many months and even until now, weakened me. It made me lost my direction and even to the degree that I could not understand myself anymore. My daily routine seems to be a long period of burden. Though I am struggling, the everyday challenge to appear okay is tiresome. My strong desire to fight against the allurement of infidelity was weakened by the loneliness, anxiety, conflict, pressure and fear that reign in my heart. Yeah! It’s true, climbing to the mountain of truth is really difficult and exhausting because those things create turmoil within.

But, what keeps me going? What do I want? Those questions made me comprehend what was my present experience is all about. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness and he has been offered by the devil to make bread out of stone, to own all the kingdoms of the world and to use his authority or power as a Son of God (cf. Luke 4:1-15). I suppose he also struggled. Yet, since he knows absolutely what his heart is hungering for, he was able to overcome it. Likewise, Abraham experienced the same struggle when his son Isaac was being asked by Yahweh to be offered as a sacrifice. (cf. Genesis 22:1-19). But again, since he know that his desire to have a son could not suffice what his hearts is believing for, without any hesitation he followed what God commanded him. When Mary was under the foot of the cross I think the trouble and pain that she felt deep within entice her to question, why is this happening to my child? (cf. John 19:2-17). Of course, her complete submission to the plan of God moves her to keep holding on.

The sweetness of pleasure and comfort could not fill the emptiness, which a person seeks to have. My desire to live accordingly and the call of fidelity to live a life that I professed, pulled me back to the one who called me, because my sins could not lost the bond of the unconditional love of my faithful Creator. I think these are the things, which keeps me climbing. The desire of my heart that sometimes was covered-up by my cowardice and laziness, I believe this desire of mine is “a gift of grace”, “the inspiration of the Holy Spirit”, “the Supernatural help” initiated by God, as what St. Augustine testified.

In the great event of Augustine’s life, he was convinced that God is always active. The restlessness that he felt was the act of the Holy Spirit, a gift of grace. Moreover, although he believes (and affirmed by the council of Trent) that “faith is impossible without Supernatural assistance, grace does not bring about saving act of faith without free consent of those who receive it.” Sometimes giving consent (saving act of faith) is not simple, especially if we are in the situation that we can choose. Since, it require us to face, accept and immerge the frustration and struggle that we may encounter along the way of our journey. Yet, holding on to what our hearts hunger for, could surely lead us to find rest in the arms of our Faithful God.

STEP IV- ESCAPING FROM STRAMGE GODS

2006-02-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

STEP IV –ESCAPING FROM STRANGE GODS

As I try to think a great reflection that I could write in this step (Step 4 – Escaping from Strange Gods), I found it too difficult to start. Later, having a tension that I am running out of time I decided to begin what I have in my mind. In spite of the difficulties of traveling into the road of my noisy heart, God helps me to keep silent. He allows me to listen into my heart. Yeah! “God has always extended gracious mercy, even to sinners. God has always lifted the lowly and has always heard the prayers of the faithful and obedient and even to those who are unfaithful and disobedient”. Gallagher, started step four with a statement of C. S. Lewis,

While in other sciences, the entrustments you use are things external to yourself (things like microscopes and telescopes), the instrument through which you see God is your whole self. And if a man’s self is not kept clean and bright, his glimpse of God will be blurred like the Moon seen through a dirty telescope.

“If a man’s (person’s) self is not kept clean and bright, his glimpse of God will be blurred like the Moon seen through a dirty telescope”. This statement stirs me up to examine what kind of dirt do I have in my eyes? Why I found it complicated to express my ideas since all I have to do is to speak out my reflection? Most of the time I need to exert more effort and spent more time to think and think how to make it. Scanning books, reading other reflections and asking other's ideas, I used to do to be able to compose it. Although, I agree that all of it is helpful and also I believe, educational background/foundation and training has something to do with it. But, beyond those I know there’s something wrong why I can’t immediately express myself.

Gallagher discussed in this step (Step 4) about the different images of strange gods. He said, the person from his/her childhood experience carried out this kind of images, which affect their faith. I suppose what makes me struggle in this matter, is my image of god who will do all things for me. The god who will take over my works if I find it hard, there’s no need for me to strive and give extra effort.

For almost nine years of processing and redirecting these beliefs, I constantly failed to identify these childish deity. Instead, this false image constantly gnaws my immediate reaction/response. Yes! Gallagher is right, “even in those who are aware of the true God intellectually, such a dichotomy is surprisingly common: their hearts and feelings and spontaneously reactions have not caught up with the truth of their minds".

At the end of this step, Gallagher gave four -fold struggle formulas on how to escape from it. He underscored the need of learning how to listen to our interior self - through skills of stillness and discernment. The need not to ridicule only the context of dehumanizing pressures and the unjust division of our planet but to resist it - through skills of social critique and the creation of alternative lifestyle. The need not to argue much over religion, instead to expand what we mean by knowledge -through skills of intelligent wonder and imagination. Lastly the need not to fight false gods for it is a waste of energy,( rather) we need to exorcise those childish deities - through skills of scriptures through dialogue with others about faith or unfaith and ultimately through the transformation that is prayer.

STEP 3

2006-02-06T18:43:00.000-08:00

STEP III – ESCAPING FROM THE WRONG QUESTION

What keeps me going? This question came into my mind one morning while we were waiting for a 6:30 mass at San Augustine Metropolitan Cathedral. On that morning, after our morning praise I did not feel like going to the church. Laziness attacked my appetite not to attend the Eucharistic Celebration. I try to justify myself that maybe God will understand me because ‘am not feeling well and ‘am tired. Besides it is not a sin if I miss one mass. But in spite of that convincing reason that played into my thought, I couldn’t explain why still I fixed myself and went to the church.

For a few minutes of silence, I tried to catch and hold on to that query. Yeah! What keeps me going? What keeps me going on striving to be faithful with my prayer? What keeps me going in my apostolate? What keeps me going on studying? Why burden myself to cope with on the demands of the course, for am not required to do so? Oh! What a fool! I already explicitly answered these question. Why need to ask again?

I need to be faithful in my prayer, because that is important and that is my responsibility as a religious. Apostolate is a part and companion of our life as vowed person. To study is necessary in order for me to response the needs of my ministry.

Most of the time, I always seek to understand things first before doing or believing. Although I believe in the saying “believe first and you will see,” unconsciously the faith that moves me is “to see is to believe”. Usually in every step, I take, I constantly wanted to understand it by using my own capacity to know the meaning and reason why I do and believe such thing. Through the years, I apprehend that it is only through my very own effort and desire, that binds me into God’s love. In effect tiredness, meaninglessness and frustrations pull me back into a wrong direction.

On this season of Advent, God calls me to “Behold” to look into my old understanding and old faith, to a new way of looking. For me to be able to find my blindness and deafness so, that I maybe able to soften my heart and accept that my impoverishment is a way of grasping God’s truth.[1]

Thank you Lord, for helping me to “escape from a wrong question”. May your untiring love and faithfulness strengthen me to strive to learn to “do not seek to understand in order to believe, (but rather) I shall not understand unless I believe”.[2]
[1] excerpt from: BEHOLD: THE EYES OF CHRISTMAS, by John Shea. 5
[2] Michael Paul Gallagher, SJ, Free To Believe ( Great Britain: British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data, 1987). 42

STEP 2

2006-02-06T18:41:00.000-08:00

STEP II – SEEING THROUGH THE SYSTEM

Looking into the world, we see it is threatened by the age of globalization. It is the situation of forced poverty, social, economic and political discrimination and exploitation of the majority vis-à-vis the affluence, consumerism and powerful role of the few, as well as, the explosion of the information and environment degradation[1]. Those are factors, which I believed could affect all aspects of religious person’s faith-life. And I consider these are strong enemies of mine.
Since in my adolescence stage, I was already involved in pastoral work. I became a youth leader, catechist coordinator and Basic Christian Community Leader. At that time our parish and diocese was actively participating in social oriented activities. Symposium, seminars were given to us, to be well informed of the economic, socio-political and cultural problems of our society as well as the problems and some issues in the church. The poverty, oppression and harassment at some of our BEC leaders, which I witness and experienced before strengthen my belief that after all those experiences and knowledge that I have, I am now prepared to face the challenges of religious life.

For my almost ten years of involvement in this work, I always do it enthusiastically, with a hope in my heart that someday we will be able to free ourselves from this bondage. But as the time goes on, gradually, I was able to see myself little by little I became exhausted and hopeless, looking at the happenings around us, that we are still imprisoned by those problems.

This state made me pause and listen to my consciousness. I feel bored, hopeless and helpless and find no meaning in what I have heard, seen and done. With this disposition questions arise in my mind. What happened to me? Why do I feel and think this way?

Upon reading the second step “ Seeing through the System” I was struck with the answer of the Polish priest to Fr. Gallagher with his question, that it seems religion in Poland was universally popular compared to the free world. The Polish priest replied “ we in Poland have a visible enemy to human values in a totalitarian state, but you in the West have an enemy that you cannot identify so clearly”[2].

Yes! The Polish priest is right, I did not clearly identify who my enemies are. I became ignorant that little by little I was swallowed by the system of society, which I hate. I became self-centered, insecure, things and work oriented. Ms. Josefina Tundo, my professor in pastoral ministry course in IFRS (Institute of Formation of Religious Studies), said, the pastoral “ministry is a ministry, which invites us to share the joy of life, which God gave us. To love and serve God is our response or personal choice for the love he has given to us because God didn’t ask anything from us in order to be loved by him”.

Lord, thank you for letting me knows my real enemy. For a long time, I treated my ministry as a requirement and task that I must accomplish. As a result, I have lost the opportunity to discover the grace of joy and delight in doing it, as well as, the privileges that you impart on this act of love, for You, for others and for all of Your creation
[1] Sr. Niceta Vargas, OSA, “Towards a Contextualized, Integrated Transformation an Inclusive Religious Formation”, Himig Ugnayan, Vol.1 no. 2 (1998-99),76.

[2] Michael Paul Gallagher, SJ, Free To Believe ( Great Britain: British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data, 1987). 28.

STEP I - THE FIRST FREEDOM:

2006-02-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

FROM FALSE TO TRUE SELF

After reading the step one entitled, The First Freedom: From False to True Self, of the book “ Free to Believe” by Fr. Michael Paul Gallagher, immediate I was able to remember one of the famous saying of St. Augustine. “Let me know myself and let me know Thee” at is more explicitly explained by John Main. “ Most of us have to get in touch with ourselves first, to get into a full relationship with ourselves before we can turn openly to our relationship with God ”. In my early stage of formation in religious life and even when I was outside in the convent, I gradually discovered God when I began to search for my strengths and limitations.

My nine years in religious life, the battle of the little “me” and the big “Me” is always my struggle. To identify the little “me” and the big “Me” is a difficult task since am filled with the good arguments of my own justification.

A year our final profession, unconsciously I wrapped myself with the confidence and belief that after a long period of formation, I will not fall anymore into the pit of my false self. After all we have had enough trainings, workshops, processing tips and skills, how to get in touch and identify our true self. Confidently, with a great enthusiasm, I did my daily activities. I paid less attention to my needs for solitude and prayer, which are the most important and primary tool in identifying, who is in the driver seat. There are times that I need to make a choice and decision, the little “me” or the big “Me”?

. Fr. Michael Paul Gallagher said, (based on the reflection of St. Ignatius of Loyola )“ If (we) I am to become free of the false self, I (we) have first to become aware of the flux within me(us)” . For almost seven months of living here in Cagayan, gradually I become unaware to the flux within me. For a couple periods of months of being, insensitive to my dynamics within, as well as giving less attention and priority to prayer, my life becomes disintegrated, and my apostolate becomes a burden. Worries, tension, prejudices, blame and even anger, little by little ruled my system, which creates trouble not only to myself but also to the persons with whom I lived and worked with, has also created a distance between me and God. Those feelings of mine become a way to stop and take some moments of time to reflect. This made me realize that again the little “me” sitting at the center of my heart.

Fr. Nil Guillemette, S.J. in his book “ A Gentle Breeze” discussed the significance of the three W’s (Water, Weed, and Wait) as basic needs of our spiritual life. First he said, “we need to Water our heart if we want it to bear fruit with the Gospel of God through meditation”. Second “we should know how to Weed our heart or else the water of the gospel will be useless”. Lastly “we have to learn to Wait for God to act. This he does when you allow him to perform a most mysterious and silent work within the depths of your heart. It consists in a wait in patience. Do that and you will become holy before you know it”. Once again, I realized that God calls me to be diligent enough, in watering, and weeding my heart and to be patient in waiting for God’s revelation for me. For me to be free from the slavery of little “me” and to walk in the footstep of the big “Me”